As a young girl, one of my biggest fears was that I would not be able to have children just like our Imahos Sarah, Rivka and Rachel who were Akarohs, that is, barren at first.
Being the oldest of eleven children, my wish was to have as many kids as possible, and even that my family should surpass my mother's and grandmothers' in number. Like any teenager, I was hoping to be a better mother to my children and I kept a journal with tips of what not do and how I want to treat my children.
The night of my Tenoyim (engagement) before I was going to meet my future husband for the first time, I was petrified. I had so many hopes and dreams of how I wanted to be the best wife and the best mother, but I had no idea in the world how to actually do it. There were no parenting books or Sholom Bayis books that I knew of. So I took the first very unsure steps towards my future. After my first son was born, I wrote a song on the night of his bris (circumcision) and sang to him that I hoped he would grow up to be a true Torah Scholar, a God-fearing Jew with good midos, and that he never be tempted by the joys of this world, but to remember that his goal is to only serve God and attain his reward in the world to come.
When he turned three, we celebrated his upshern, with his proud grandparents by his side, I was full of joy and everything seemed to work out perfectly. Then suddenly things started changing.